How to Deal with Mismatched Libidos in a Relationship


Differences in temperaments are common for many couples. If your desires are often rejected, instead of expressing outrage, it is worth reminding yourself more often that in most cases it has nothing to do with the loss of interest in you. The problem may lie in the peculiarities of physiology: for example, the lack of certain hormones. It can also be psychological difficulties, which are reflected in the low need for intimacy. Most likely, your partner is also suffering. After all, they would also like to easily give what you lack so much, and, thus they feel guilty. Yet how to deal with mismatched libidos? What should you do about different libidos in a relationship? Let’s talk about that.

different libidos in marriage

Mismatched Libidos in a Couple: Causes and Outcomes

There may be a lot of different causes of mismatched libidos, not all of them are alike, not all of them are primarily physical, it may be quite hard to find the cause of mismatched libidos. There are many types of libidos and there are just as many causes for them to be mismatched. To be aware, check out the list of causes of different libidos in a relationship.

Weight problems

Much has been said about the dangers of excess weight. It doesn’t facilitate sexual relations, neither does it help with mismatched libidos.

Excess weight not only prevents performing acrobatic stunts in bed but also lowers the self-esteem of the partners, not allowing to relax. It also intensifies the production of estrogen and testosterone - the male and female hormones responsible for "sexual appetites." The level of “correct” hormones decreases, and therefore the attraction to a partner leaves much to be desired.

Lack of physical activity

Extra pounds do not “strain” much (they do not cause any constraint, they do not interfere with activity in bed) and there is no need to lose weight actively by going to the gym 7 times a week? Learn to be active! Passive lifestyle can reduce sexual desire. It doesn't matter if you have a slim body or a gigantic one. Do consistent moderate exercises. Training in the gym increases libido, because it improves blood circulation and promotes the release of endorphins (happiness hormones) into the blood.

TV in the bedroom

Let the room, ready for the night of love, to be filled with the soft twilight and pleasant music, not the glow from the TV screen and the muffled sound of the news. Reality shows, news, movies - all this distracts you from having sex and messes with your mood. Here you are passionately kissing, and a minute later you hear the news from the world of politics. This is quite an unsuitable atmosphere for sexual pleasures.

TV is definitely not welcome in the bedroom! This is confirmed by data from a survey of 523 married couples from Italy, published in 2006 by sexologist Serenella Salomoni: those partners who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not watch TV before going to bed. However, research has shown that certain programs have different effects on libido. For example, films with elements of violence "beat off" the desire of half of all couples, and reality shows - only one third.

mismatched libidos advicePorn

If reality shows and evening news can completely "discourage" the desire, then porn is unlikely to prevent the couple from enjoying each other. The main thing is not to abuse it!

Fans of porn, according to sexologists, over time, get less and less pleasure from sex without "doping" (in the form of erotic films). The partner does not cause excitement or desire, as there is no partner in masturbation, only self-satisfaction. In addition, your partner can get a complex, self-esteem drops to zero - it is not easy to satisfy an inveterate porn fan, who has recently been excited only by other people having sex.

Insufficient water consumption

Dehydration is harmful in many ways. In particular, inadequate water consumption can cause frequent migraines. Who wants to make love when a headache is bad? Dehydration of the body can also lead to insufficient secretion of lubricant in the vagina of the female partner, which definitely will not give more pleasure to both. Try to drink more water a day then before. See if this trick works.

Strong snore

Yes, “innocuous” snoring can also become the reason for the slow extinction of sexual attraction to a partner. Do you sleep in different beds, because you yourself or your partner snores heavily while asleep? You are not alone. Quite a few couples go to different bedrooms due to the fact that one of the partners is snoring. What kind of regular sex and desire for your loved one can be discussed when you fall asleep in different beds? The absence of action in bed gradually becomes a habit - the sexual attraction to each other decreases.

Can a Relationship Work if Partners Have Different Libidos?

Well, considering all the things that have been said above, can mismatched libidos relationships work out? Yes, they can. Yet it may get hard for you and your partner to enjoy each other’s intimate company in this case.

First off, consider the causes of it that we’ve listed above, they will help you to point a finger at problems and thus – fix them.

Then, consider that relationships are often about compromises, you have to make sacrifices for your partner just as they do for you. For you to be in harmony with your partner is to agree to some things that your partner wants from you, whether those are some adjustments in character, in the way you do things or in what you do. Although it may get hard and frustrating sometimes, you don’t have to do such things when you are alone, yet you don’t receive the pleasure and all other benefits of having a partner. So, with that being said, refer to our advices below on how to adjust your relationships so that both you and your partner will start to enjoy the intimate part of your relationship.

Mismatched Libidos Advice

So, how to cope with different libidos? How should you go about having different libidos in marriage?

Care for your partner

The first and the most important mismatched libidos advice. If you are a man and your partner has lower need for intimacy than you, try to surround her with special care and attention. For many women, this is directly related to physical attraction. Try to do as much as possible of what gives her pleasure and make her feel loved and protected: often call or send messages in which you say that you are thinking about her. Initiate joint visits to her favorite places, send flowers as a surprise.

You, most likely, feel rejected and even betrayed. Therefore, you might want to say to me that the last thing you are capable of right now is tenderness and care. However, this may be the key to the heart of your partner. You have only two ways out of this: to distance yourself from your partner, punishing her away for good, or, on the contrary, to become more attentive. All my experience with couples suggests this: attention is the best aphrodisiac.

The same tactic will do if you are a woman and you want your sexual relationship with your loved one to become more intense. Complaints and criticism have only a negative impact. He may not respond, but he feels guilty and begins to ignore you, not only in the sexual aspect of your relationship but also emotional. So, why not try to look at the situation differently? Try to be kinder to your loved one. Say pleasant words more often, make compliments, thank him for small displays of attention. And do not rush to criticism. Imismatched libidosf the situation is prolonged, you can start a conversation, but very delicately. And it is important to start not from the fact that you have ceased to have sex, but to ask if something is wrong in his life? Let him know that you are ready to listen and give support.

Concentrate on something else

If you are one of those couples with mismatched libidos, and you are constantly asking for intimacy, stop initiating sex and generally stop showing a noticeable interest in this side of the relationship. Sometimes a partner just needs more time to feel this need again. Give him the opportunity to take the initiative first. Moreover, it will be easier to do this as soon as he feels that the pressure from your side has disappeared. Your unexpected detachment and sense of freedom that your partner is experiencing can awaken desire. Take care of your interests. Most likely, you were so focused on the problems in your relationship that you forgot about your own world. Resume doing sports, meet with friends more often. After a while, a loving partner will begin to experience a lack of your presence and will want to become a full-fledged part of your life again.

Look back

When you first met, was sex more passionate and frequent? Recall exactly what your loved one liked during that period and try to reproduce it.

More non-sex touches

This advice is addressed to men. Women often complain that partners perceive touch as part of foreplay. Women want hugs and kisses outside the bedroom, not just during sex. If this is similar to your couple, try to be attentive in these manifestations. The main thing is that you thereby break the existing pattern of behavior in which one demands, and the other defends. The desire to appeal to her is more likely to wake up her body. In fact, you may not be partners with different libidos at all, it’s just that your female partner needs attention.


If the physiological constitutions do not coincide, your partner cannot always fulfill your sexual fantasies and desires. Treat this as an alternative to sex.

If these tips don't work, be honest. My experience with couples shows that if the parties do not find understanding and remain in this constant argument about who is right and who is wrong, the partner with a stronger sexual temperament either starts to cheat or ends the relationship. Happy reunions after such episodes are extremely rare. Before you decide on this measure, make sure that your partner understands what will happen if you do not find a compromise.

Never threaten your loved one in the heat of an argument, do not blame or criticize, but tell your partner that your constant dissatisfaction makes you unhappy and pushes you away, you want to leave. Explain that this is not a threat but an honest confession, and you want to find a compromise. Ask a partner to help you in doing this.

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