How to Deal with Breadcrumbing in a Relationship

21.11.2018

Nowadays dating apps, as well as psychological articles literally flare with new terms, such as ‘gaslighting’, ‘toxic’, ‘ghosting’, and so on and so forth. It is getting harder and harder to keep up with those new-age words, related to the matter of dating and relationships. It all seemed to be easier back in the days – you either love your significant other or you don’t. But as a matter of fact, things have never been so easy for the inflamed hearts. Today we are going to consider the most interesting form of psychological violence called breadcrumbing. Also, we are going to learn how to handle breadcrumbing at its best and save your sanity.

What is breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing is a form of relationship (or rather – relationshit), which initially leads to the decay of one of the loving hearts. It is an act of slowly feeding your passion by leaving some hints or compliments to the point he or she gets attached, and then suddenly disappearing, leaving them wanting more. Where did this term derive from? You have to be no Einstein to understand how it works. You feed your partner with bread crumbs, piece by piece, bit by bit. They initially get no feeling of satisfaction or, God forbids, satiety or glut. Let us call the parties “the tormentor” and “the sufferer”, since this kind of relationship is far from being healthy.

It gives the first the feeling of superiority and boosts their self-esteem, and the latter can be content with being close enough to his or her torturer. Should you stay in the relationships like this? No! Of course, they are a type of toxic relations, which you need to cut off right away. Or, at least, try to be clear with your significant other and try to make them explain themselves for such a behavior.

What is the difference between ghosting and breadcrumbing?

Ghosting is a popular dating term, which is familiar to all Tinder fling lovers. A person who is ghosting ceases all communication by just disappearing from the radars or putting you on a blacklist. You will never know the reason of your being ghosted – you either ceased to be interesting for this individual, or he or she completely lacks empathy with you. Maybe they found another date, huh?

But you will never guess, because ghosting happens in shallow relationships when you simply do not know where to reach the person. When you are in a full commitment, ghosting will be just stupid, as you can simply come up to him or her and ask what the reason was. In a truly developed relationship, ghosting is comic at its minimum, and anti-human at its maximum.

However, the main difference between ghosting and breadcrumbing is that the latter is fully practiced in any type of commitment. You can suddenly suspend your communication after the first week of texting each other, or you can ‘happily’ find yourself in abusive and disrespectful relationships in a year. What does breadcrumbing mean? It means that a certain person will never leave you, he or she will be constantly reminding of themselves, keeping you on a leash with sudden texts, and making themselves distant over and over again. But what is breadcrumbing in dating?

A little bit about breadcrumbing psychology

You can guess that a fully healthy adult would never sticks to something toxic and destructive. Breadcrumbing dating trend is a revolutionary solution for all the narcissists, psychopaths and trust-issues junkies.

There is no mystery that people are hooked on suffering. Masochistic relationships can be pleasant when the pain is bearable. A person tends to stick to this behavior when he or she feels scared or insecure to fully commit, so he or she flies away every time the situation is getting dangerous and ‘out of hand’ for their freedom. This roots deeply in childhood. Neglected children will tend to ‘breadcrumb’ more often, as they have never seen an emotionally responsible relationship with both of the people giving each other an equal amount of love and affection. They would rather play Tom and Jerry, when one person chases, and the other runs away. It hides their insecurities and helps them stay in the comfort zone.

Narcissists satisfy their feeling of being needed and important, because their partner constantly chases them. They inflate their ego and boost their precious self-esteem.

Psychopaths just like to see people suffering. They can appear alluring and friendly one day and disappear the next day, so that you can develop a feeling of self-worthlessness and guilt. It is a well-known form of guilt-trip that works every time since you need any kind of explanation. OK, what is breadcrumbing in a relationship and how to spot it?

Dangerous breadcrumbing signs that should make you think

1. They leave sudden inconsistent messages. This type of sadistic behavior in a relationship is more than just forgetfulness and business. It is a real type of mental violence. See, when your tormentor likes to leave you random messages every once in a while and disappear for a week, returning back later and acting like nothing happened, they can suffer from it as well. Some of the people are so twisted, they want to call you but can’t. The thing is, toxic individuals want to test your patience. There is a high chance you won’t say anything to your abuser or act up, because you are too afraid to lose them. One of the terrible signs of breadcrumbing is when you are paralyzed, sitting still and waiting for their response.

2. Empty promises. Even if the person is kind of nice to you, sometimes you still feel weird emptiness inside, like you have no idea who your significant other is. You never fully know where they are hanging out right now, as they are turning back all of your missed calls. And if you ask about that, they can be angry at you, saying you make them feel too pressed. Then follows a week of empty promises to hang out later and excuses for being busy. But during the weekend, a tormentor can wake up in a good mood and ask you out, as if nothing happened. They will also try to make plans, such as going to the zoo or cinema together, but never actually reaching the goal of their and your destination.

3. Late night shows. Booty calls are classic. When you are dating a person but think he or she is calling you only when they want to have sex, it is your gut feeling, and you have to listen to it. They are just ditching you when it’s time to get serious, only leaving time to have fun. You want to know as soon as possible whether this relationship is for sexual pleasure or commitment. You can’t just be hanging in a black hole of ignorance, not knowing whether it is allowed to move on to a healthier relationship.

4. Non-commitment. Breadcrumbers like virtual dating because it doesn’t oblige you to anything. They like making themselves worthy and talented, professional and loving, but when it comes to proving their words…poof…they disappear into thin air. Make your partner commit or quit.

5. You always feel guilty. You live with a trepidation you did something wrong to your tormentor. That’s destroying your identity. It is obvious – if people cease to talk to you and you remember no quarrels, you start to second guess. Maybe there was a phrase that insulted my partner, so he is too vulnerable to answer my calls? In fact, they are just having fun while seeing your double-texts in notifications. You start developing no feeling of dignity, and that is what breadcrumbers want. If you stop responding to their ignoring you, they will feel guilty themselves.

6. They appear when you are ready to move on. Remember that breadcrumbers will never leave you for good. They will either provoke you by making you feel jealous (uploading photos with unknown people of opposite sex), or just straight away blackmailing you by providing with a good guilt trip: “See, you already hang out with Frank. I thought you were serious about us. I had a week off while being on a business trip, and you already found a substitution. Good for you, traitor.” That is a usual behavior of a breadcrumber and a manipulator. The worst of all, you will feel so guilty about leaving them, you will start to believe you are the only one who is bad and your SO was just a little bit busy. They can also choose a good cop tactics and make compliments all of the sudden or offering help, keeping you as close and dependent as possible.

How to respond to breadcrumbing?

1. Don’t be led by the game. If your tormentor wants to talk to you bit by bit, demand everything or nothing. Accuse them in childish behavior. Ignore sudden booty calls. Say you have been busy as well. But keep it classy, don’t be salty about them missing out on your date.

2. Be a better manipulator. If you are constantly asking how to deal with someone who is breadcrumbing you, just outsmart them. Show the person he or she is not that important. In the relationship, the dominant is the person who is more independent and less scared to quit. So shine and ignore their texts for weeks as well, so that they know you are not playing it safe as well. Show you are not afraid to lose them. However, after that, there is no reason to talk about sincere healthy relationships because it is just unfair. It’s basically a form of revenge.

3. Be sincere and ask the reason for you two dating. You want to know why the person who claims to love you does things like that. You can surely demand full-time commitment or the end of the relationship.

4. If the person still leads on you, just leave them. You will save far more nerves by uniting with a person who truly needs you, not just a stupid game.

All in all, breadcrumbing is a dangerous trend for consumer society that is not ready for a deep connection. Now you know the reasons why it happens and how to deal with breadcrumbing. Be safe and build a trustworthy relationship with a lover who doesn’t want to involve you in any games. Good luck!