How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

04.06.2019

Some are silent about their desires in the hope that their beloved ones will guess about everything themselves. Others give the partner detailed instructions that undermine their self-confidence. How to avoid these two extremes and come up with adequate sex questions to ask a girl or a boy you are in a relationship with?

Why It's So Important to Talk About Sex in a Relationship?

The perfect stereotype of romantic relationships is often presented in the films. It is often overwhelmed with passion, people that are in love perfectly fit together, and both women and men talk about sex freely.

But in real life, after the period of enthusiasm wears on, and partners no longer pretend they don’t notice some things, there comes a time when sexual inconsistencies become too visible. In addition, over the years, people change, they get to know themselves and their partners better, and their preferences change as well. In this case, their partner either remains the same or also changes, and not necessarily in the same direction.

Some people try to ignore discomfort (“The main thing is to save the family”), but more and more people are beginning to strive for a happy life in all aspects, and the only way to get it is to honestly talk about your desires, listen to the partner and negotiate. Then, why it's so important to talk about sex in a relationship?

Misconception 1. Love endures everything. You may not know how to talk about sex with your partner because you are used to the idea that your lover appreciates the very fact of the existence of relationships so much that they are ready for any sacrifice. But why should anyone put up with not being satisfied with what is happening in the bed? Sometimes we think that our beloved one is a wonderful person, an excellent partner, but we do not quite get what we want from them in terms of sex. And this may be only one aspect of what really bothers us. When we start talking about sex, we realize that there are more things that have been irritating us. Love is not based on sex, but the problems that follow it can easily kill the romance and relationships. When couples talk about sex, it means they are growing together.

Misconception 2. If my partner loves me, they will understand. The implication is that people in a relationship are telepaths who don’t have to be explained anything. Love seems to be the door to a magic world where you and your partner gain special powers. You feel each other on a mental level, and no conversation is needed, just wagging your eyelashes is enough for the other side to immediately guess everything.

Of course, if you have been living together with your partner for long, you may really often feel what is happening without discussions and do not need to learn how to talk to your girlfriend about sex. However, the thirst for the complete merger is childish, and it sends us to the time of wordless infancy when a loving mother quickly learns to understand anything her child wants without any words. This is not the case in adult life. We are busy with a lot of things, and there is no time to interpret other people's signs.

Misconception 3. If you need to explain anything and talk about sex, then something is wrong with your relationships. This misconception means that the partner must not only understand what you want without words but also know exactly how to achieve it. In fact, it is often the fear of conflict that lies behind this. There is nothing pleasant in having to tell your partner something that you have been afraid of pronouncing for so long. There are fair fears that the partner will be offended by long-term silence and will begin to feel like a fool, and their own idea of themselves as a cool lover will crumble to dust. But the thing is that everything will become visible sooner or later, and if you do not have the courage to reveal something now, it will only make matters worse in the future.

Misconception 4. Words kill passion and feelings. It is thought that as soon as the desire is expressed out loud, it will immediately lose its strength and attractiveness, disappear, and the passion will go out. In fact, more often it is a convenient position which gives room for manipulation. But if the couple is going to build honest partnerships, manipulations will have to be abandoned at least for practical reasons. Edible lubricant for sex? Handcuffs with pink fur? Massage candle for $50? It is worth discussing at least in order not to ruin the family budget and get a lubricant with grapefruit flavor, not vanilla, if it what your partner really wants.

Misconception 5. Fantasies should remain fantasies. The implication is that some fantasies are so disgusting that it is better to never voice them. There is some truth in this: there are ideas that no one ever plans to bring to life, it is enough for them to exist only in the heads of people, especially when they are based on what they have watched in adult films or bring obvious harm if implemented. But usually, people are just ashamed to open up. Men are more afraid to talk about sex because of a possibility to seem strange, and women don't want to feel disgusted or be ashamed. And that is why it is important to know how to talk to your boyfriend about sex properly. Everything connected with sex is often described as dirty and unworthy, and everything that goes beyond the spreading of rose petals on sheets is perverted, although there should be only one prohibition for two adults in the bedroom. That should be a stop word that means someone is not excited about the particular position or idea. While we are ashamed of ourselves and our desires, the partner also does not receive enough acceptance.

How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner?

1. Openly discuss your needs

Women are constantly advised to speak out loudly to their partners about what is good for them from the point of view of sexuality, to be proactive in their desires, to be bolder and more insistent. But it is easier to say than to do. For many people, it is safer to stay passive and receive from partners only what they can give them not even starting a conversation about sex game questions for couples. Women often tell that they would like to extend the foreplay, that they like it more than the act of coitus itself. And yet they adapt to the partner and give up their desires. They agree with a more stereotypical male approach to sex, in which the foreplay is no more than an introduction before something more important.

However, it is anticipation, seduction, playful touches, kisses, gazes and meeting the eyes that allow us to feel desired and sexy. And that is why questions to ask about sex should be present in your conversations regularly.

2. Talk about your desires not only in bed

Many people worry that if they don't reach orgasm quickly, their partner will be bored. Obviously, this is not an easy thing to deal with. The requests concerning orgasms may sound like requirements when both partners are as open and vulnerable as possible during sex. It may cause serious harm if you require your partner to stop thinking only about themselves and focus more on your pleasure. But when we are not sexually satisfied, we become more irritable, less patient, and more aggressive, and this is true for both men and women. Instead of saying, “I would like you to please me more,” it is better to say, “You focus on my pleasure, and I will focus on your orgasm, so we are both satisfied.” Chatting on sexual topics, asking interesting sex questions and discussing what gives us more pleasure is better outside the bedroom, and not when we are both busy with each other. Keep that in mind.

3. Use non-verbal communication

Apart from learning sex questions to ask your girlfriend, do not forget that we talk with the help of bodies, actions, and looks. Body language is our native language, with its help we had been expressing what we wanted long before we pronounced the first word. And although we believe that it is important for couples to talk, in some cases discussion is imposed and not preferred. There is a prejudice that if you do not discuss anything you can, then you are not really close with your partner. This misconception applies especially to men. It is much better to show your partner what you want without words. You can take their hand and gently bring them to where you want to feel the touch. Books, magazines, and videos can also help. And it is also important to express appreciation for the fact that this person is in your life, this will help your partner to meet your needs more confidently, without taking your requests as complaints or derogation of his masculinity or her femininity.

So, here is the conclusion in the form of short rules on how to talk about sex with your partner:

No. 1: select the appropriate time

Discussing sex after sex is not the best idea. Your partner may think that you are frustrated and upset. Choose another time. Start carefully, with unobtrusive phrases about your relationship. And you shouldn't criticize in any case.

No. 2: treat the conversation responsibly

Try to listen to yourself and your partner. When are you most relaxed? Ask if your partner is pleased with your intimate relationship. What would they like to change in it? Are they fully satisfied or do not know how to talk about sex at all?

No. 3: be sincere

Honesty is very important. Especially if you have any problems with sexual arousal. If one of you does not want sex, it does not mean that the problem is in a partner. Lack of sexual motivation can be associated with stress, fatigue, or the presence of children. And this does not mean that you do not love each other.

No. 4: listen carefully

Do not cut in when a partner speaks. Do not ask rude questions. Do not say generalization words ("never," "always"). Listen up and try to feel the partner, step into their shoes.

No. 5: no radical changes

No need to arrange a riding lesson in bed the next night. This will cause confusion and feeling of shame, not change. If you like role-playing games, discuss them before a start.

No. 6: do not hesitate and do not blame

Problems with sexual life are not the end of the world. For sexual life to be bright and rich, it is necessary to work on it, and it applies to both partners. Do not blame your soul mate, but do not hesitate to talk about your feelings. Whatever is the problem, discuss, talk about it. Silence will not lead to anything good.

Sex Questions You Need to Discuss

To sum up, there are some interesting topics you may want to talk about with your loved one to feel less strained:

• Honey, would you like to spend more time with me in bed?
• Why don’t we play a sex game? Always wanted to do it!
• Do you look at me when I pass by?
• Have you ever swum naked? Want to try?
• What is your favorite sex position, hidden fantasy and sex toy?
• Have you ever sexted anyone or sent them your intimate photos? Did it excite you?