I Am Afraid of Having Sex: Why Does It Happen?

06.02.2019

Am I afraid to have sex? I am afraid of sex! Is it normal?

It depends on your age, your ethical and religious views. It is normal to be afraid of anything new. If you or your partner is a virgin, that’s alright, don’t be afraid of experiencing fear. A different thing that might concern you a little is when sex is not only unpleasant to you as a non-virgin, but it is also painful or frightening.

It happens a lot with people who have health complications or mental problems that block their treasure. First, being afraid to have a sexual life is famous with men and women of a strict upbringing. It's about families where sex was a taboo and where things like masturbation were called sinful, unethical, or “bringing blindness.” In deep religious families, sex is a sinful act that can be performed only as a means of reproduction, otherwise, it is said to be bad and not pleasant.

However, your chances to meet a man who is afraid of sex are quite low. As in women, dismay before a sexual act is more connected with “breaking the hymen” or “losing moral values,” and guys are afraid of having sex because it is connected with false stereotypes. Sex is usually frowned upon by men because they think the whole intercourse experience will be judged by the size of their genitalia, which can worsen their self-esteem and belittle the manhood. Similarly, women in many cultures are afraid to show too many emotions, they are afraid to smell bad or look stupid during the intercourse.

A serious problem is reoccurring vaginism among young women. Vaginism is a condition of mild to extreme physical pain during the intercourse. It happens because vaginal muscles contract from stress and this condition occurs even in women who have already lost their virginity. It makes a partner hard to penetrate or move inside, as vaginal muscles work as a clasp, bringing discomfort to both of the partners. Studies have shown that this problem concerns higher-educated females or those who come from the strict environment. Being afraid of sex and intimacy can be caused by lots of factors.

Signs of Being Afraid of Sex

1. A partner is more likely to substitute sexual intercourse with more shallow contact. Avoiding sexual intercourse at all costs, rejecting dates and putting off sex on the daily basis means that a partner finds this process highly uncomfortable, or frightening.
2. Avoiding relationships in general, not being able to go through any sexual conversations, text, or talking on the phone. Being distanced and cold, rejecting any kind of intimacy including hugs or kisses.
3. Initiating quarrels and problems when one of the partners wants to go to the third base.
4. Been emotionally unavailable, even if a person is in long term relationships.
5. Compensating the absence of sex by engaging in other kinds of activities, such as sports or career.
6. Sexless marriages.
7. Strong borders, which a partner cannot go through unless it concerns somebody's comfort zone.
8. Panicking, trembling and shaking, anxiety attacks before the sexual intercourse.
9. Vaginism.
10. Fear of catching STDs or some other health issues from the partner, making it a constant excuse not to have sex.

My Wife Is Afraid of Vaginal Sex

There is a high chance your wife won’t come up to you and say, “Hey, I am afraid of having sex!” because it puts her in an awkward position of a person who doesn't trust their partner enough. There is a high chance that the first sexual intercourse was carried inattentively or was a painful experience for your wife.

A great thing that creates understanding between two partners is called a lack of proper communication. Here is a story that a man addresses to a psychologist.

“I know my wife for 10 years, at that time we both were virgins. We were dating for 3 years, we had no sex because she said she wants to wait until marriage. In 3 years we got married, but after the wedding, she said that she's afraid of her being penetrated. We tried a lot of times, but at that very moment, she keeps closing up. We had sex from time to time, but there was no penetration. She said she was orgasming, but only from oral sex. Now we're married for 7 years, we had a lot of scandals because of that. We have been already living separately for 2 months. I don't want to break up with her, and I've tried to ask her to go to a family psychologist with me, but she is definitely negative and rejects my offer every time. I don't know what to do with it, help us please!”

Strange enough, this case scenario occurs more often than we think. Because of people being unable to discuss their problems or cope with them together, stuff like that leads to the absence of sexual life and, consequently, to breakups. Women never tell their husbands about what concerns them in their sexual life. In some religions, women act like having no sex or pleasure is the norm because having the pleasure and orgasming is sinful, especially for the unmarried girl. The best way to deal with such a problem is to talk openly – what are the worst trepidations and what may have caused this behavior.

A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage with little or no sexual activity between the two people. It is estimated to be about 2 percent of marriages. It can occur because of some psychological aspects your wife might not want to share with you. She may have been abused in a sexual or in a physical or a mental way by her closest relatives, who accused in being too sexual or frivolous for her age; she may have been denied when asking to go for a date, grounded by her parents; she might have been violated by classmates or peers, with individuals of opposite sex assaulting or trying to talk into sexual relationships; people might have scared your wife, talking about sex being painful or unhygienic. All in all, your wife could have watched some pornographic content at a very young age, probably unintentionally, and this act might have influenced her in a bad way, forming a wrong image in her little child’s brain.

Such images about sex life are usually formed because of parent’s neglecting or, on the contrary, overly concerning about her sexual development in teenage years. So, her vision about sex could have been spoiled accidentally, and that’s not your fault unless her hymen breakage was painful or you were too aggressively insistent. But don’t worry, sometimes problems like this figure out eventually with a help of heartfelt conversation or, sometimes, a qualified psychologist’s assistance.

Is Female Frigidity the Key?

A woman, suffering from frigidity has no sexual desire, doesn’t want to obtain closure with her partner. She may have sexual contacts and even get pleasure from them, but in most cases, frigid women have no orgasms and have no desire to be the initiator of sexual intercourses. In some cases, frigidity is accompanied by painful feelings, aversion to sexual intercourse. In other words, frigidity is also called "sexual coldness."

Experts say that only 7% of women suffer from real frigidity. Most often, in women who complain of frigidity, sexual coldness is imaginary or temporary. For example, you should not consider a woman frigid if she rarely has sexual desire. In addition, sometimes women have periods in life when they are not in the mood for sexual relations. Frigidity with good psychotherapy is amenable to correction.

Even if a woman does not experience an orgasm, but she is experiencing sexual attraction and sex is pleasant for her, frigidity is out of the question! That is, in many cases, the absence of orgasm is mistaken for frigidity.

How to Stop Being Afraid of Sex?

If you admit that, “I'm afraid to have sex,” then here is what you can do with it.

1. Talk about it with your partner. When the couple is young, and they are not adjusted to each other yet, there is a high chance you still need to know each other better as friends, for both of you to relax.
2. Don’t concentrate on it. If a woman has vaginism, in most cases it will disappear itself, without any help.
3. Don’t push your partner or threaten them with breaking up. It will only worsen the situation. It doesn’t work like that and doesn’t treat with hurrying.
4. Relax together. Watch nice comedies or erotic films, get drunk or high. Sure, this is not the best advice, but the whole problem is sitting in your head, and you just want to break the hymen of your fear once to feel the pleasure. But under stress, it is impossible. Unless you visit a therapist, try to comfort yourself and lose your consciousness for a while. If you are against extreme measures, try hypnosis which mends problems in your psychic in one dream.
5. Read literature. Learn that fear of sex is more common than you think.
6. Visit a therapist, a sexologist or a psychotherapist and get to the root of the problem.

What If You Are Afraid of Anal Sex?

Being afraid of anal sex is still one of the most sex-related problems of most women. They complain about the pain, the fear and the unnaturalness of the process. How to deal with the fear of getting handled from behind?

1. Don't shove the whole thing in! If you are interested enough in this process, you want to be slow and consistent. Try anal fingering first, adding a finger every time it will be comfortable.
2. Always use lube. Because our rectum was not made for the sake of reproduction, it doesn’t have any moisture. Don’t go dry into anyone’s ass, that’s just cruel!
3. Relax. Take a bath, listen to pleasant music, prepare yourself for a little foreplay. See it as a fun experience, not as anal suffering.
4. Always consent!
5. Have sex with a condom, you can still catch STDs.
6. Use vibrators and other toys, starting from a little size and going further.

There is nothing scary in sex, and you just have to get rid of prejudices and listen to each other. Sex is all about consent and mutual trust. If you are ready enough to jump with a parachute with this person, then they will definitely keep you safe in bed.