How to Talk About Sex: Questions to Ask a Girl

04.06.2019

Sex is an important component of our life, and no commonality of interests and kinship of souls will save a couple if it does not have sex. It’s not about having disagreements about which soup should be cooked for dinner, these are not real problems, the absence of sex is a real problem. But what if a lover does not feel you? What if they want one thing and you want something completely different? How to cope with the constraint and tell them, for example, that your erogenous zones haven’t been triggered for a long time because they were looking for them in the wrong places? To ask a question about sex directly is to hammer another nail in the coffin of your marriage. It is like walking through a minefield: one wrong move (or in this case, a word) and it will all be over.

Today we will discuss the topics like, “How to talk about sex,” “Sex topics to talk about” and “Why is it important to talk about sex?”

Why It's So Important to Talk About Sex in a Relationship

Despite the fact that we live in the age of absolute liberty, and people are not only free but encouraged to talk about their sexuality, we still do not know how to talk about sex even with our own spouses. Here is a paradox: while teenagers download gigabytes of porn every single day, their parents are embarrassed to talk about their desires even to themselves. They are ashamed and scared, and they would rather get a divorce than bring up this issue. It’s a taboo to admit that you are still interested in intimacy at the age of 40+ for some reason. It is scary how infrequently adult couples talk about sex.

Some may think that sex isn’t all that important to those people who truly love each other, it’s about the soul and spiritual connections. This is pure BS, we, as humans, as animals have our own sexual desires that have to be fulfilled, a lack of intimacy in the life of a person causes all sorts of discomfort, depression, accumulation of stress. Sex is so important that it makes you healthier, it has been proven by numerous scientific works throughout the years.

“Remember that the music of love is played by notes,” says psychologist, psychoanalyst Jessica Cornfield. “It may seem to you that your lover has never had a desire to discuss sex in the first place. In couples that are afraid to talk about it, partners still ask themselves some questions about their intimate lives, like, "Do I really want that person? Do they want me? Are they sincere during sex? Why am I afraid to talk about sex with them?" Thus, there is an inner desire to speak out about this issue, and this desire isn’t being satisfied."

Now, let’s answer the question, “How to talk to your boyfriend about sex?”

How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

How to talk about sex with your partner? And when to do that: during sex, before, after, in bed or during breakfast? How to choose the right time and the right tone?

“When it comes to intimate matters, you should never go in all guns blazing,” says Jessica. Here are some phrasing options that you should avoid, “We need to discuss our sex” or “We need to talk!” To initiate a conversation, you should throw in some information that is related (supposedly you heard it on the radio, or there was an article in a magazine, or you have just finished reading a book about it). You should have the patience to see your lover’s reaction. Often a lover, especially if it’s a man, may digest the information for a few weeks straight, only to get back to it after all of that time. Also, some women believe that men talk about sex only when their wives initiate a conversation on this topic, yet it’s not true. Jessica advises talking about it only when both of you are in a good mood.

“For example, a couple is lying on a sofa and listening to music,” says Jessica. She is touching his hair, and he is hugging her. It is in this situation that one of the lovers should say something appropriate, like, “Your hands are so strong, I wish you would…” and so on. That is, one should always begin with a compliment and only in the context of pleasant bodily contact or rest. You should never mention these things during dinner or just out of the blue.

Always start and end a conversation with sincere, enthusiastic praise, maybe even some advice of your own. In this case, you may even hide all of the information that you wanted to tell your spouse, and inside this “sandwich of words,” there are two compliments, one patty of valuable information and an intimate setting which serves as a sauce for the sandwich. It goes without saying that such a discussion should not be brought up if a lover is tired or angry, you should approach them only during their peak of self-confidence and comfort.

“If you decide to tell a lover something like that out loud, do it in the process of sex,” says Jessica. “It is very important not to turn intimacy into a lecture. Imagine you are in the act, and your lover is constantly telling you, "Faster, no, not so fast, go deeper, no, not that deep." This is an awful habit. If you want to correct something in your sex life, do not try to fix it all at once. Otherwise, you may lose that person. And you should not pour out all the information about your erogenous zones at a time onto them. Try to do it slowly, in a week or so.”

Psychologist Martha Keenan advises people to talk to their lovers during the process of lovemaking. “It's okay if it can be awkward at first,” she says. “Sex and laughter go together, there is nothing wrong with being awkward about it. Give a compliment to your lover, whisper it into their ear, tell them about your feelings. Ask them to touch you in a new way or in a new place. Tell them about your pleasures. They will probably be pleased to know that they are a good lover.” To learn to talk about sex during sex in a tactful manner, she advises reading erotic magazines and special literature. “It is completely normal that you do not know how to talk about it and where to start if you have never been interested in how other people talk about it. Reading will save you from a lot of doubts and fears.”

What about Marital Therapy?

How can relationships that have been gone on for a long time, let’s say, more than 10 years be fixed? What should one do about the problems that are associated with an inability to talk with a spouse about what happens in bed?

Martha advises to take some time off, this will only increase the intensity of desires. Here is what she told us, “If a couple has a lot of experience with the acquired stereotypes of sexual behavior together, and these stereotypes are quite boring now, something must be done. A pause is when sexual genital activity is reduced to a minimum, but sexual behavior should remain in place. Both of you must look at each other from the outside as if you are just friends. Try to become lovers once again.”

“Also, be sure to experiment. Do you have a regime for intimacy? Let’s say it’s the afternoon of Friday. In this case, spontaneous is the name of the game. Are you tired of doing it in your bed? There are tons of potential places where you can do it. Sex is a manifestation of creativity, not just a boring part of your daily lives. Such words as curiosity, diversification, discovery should be added to your sexual vocabulary.

There is a thing called marital sex therapy”, says Martha. “This is when a sexologist gives a couple some exercises that they must do in bed. You can just casually mention that there is such an interesting thing as marital therapy during a conversation that has to do with intimacy. You should mention that it is very scientific and serious. The bottom line is that all couples sooner or later lose their novelty and urgency of intimate relationships, and boredom, monotony, comes in their place. So, if you periodically do these sorts of exercises, then the former freshness of intimate joy will return into your bed. Of course, you should ask about your lover’s thought on it during every stage of these exercises.

“It is important to remember that in addition to material and everyday relations, there are also physical ones, performing and receiving bodily gifts is no less important than making any other sort of a gift (clothes, flowers, etc.). There are lots of different techniques on how to talk about it," says Jessica. “But the same exact technique may help one couple and hurt another one.”

“Ask your lover to lie on their back, close their eyes and relax. Now you have the following task: you will have 10 minutes to touch their body in all sorts of different ways. Try to study their whole body. Their task is to talk to you. They must describe all the sensations that they feel. If they stop speaking for some reason, you need to ask them, “What do you feel now?” Let them describe it in any form that they like. Do not interrupt them. When the time is up, switch the roles. Now you will speak, and your lover will touch your body. You can search for some other sex game questions for couples online.

Now that we know how to talk to your girlfriend about sex, let’s list some interesting sex questions that you should ask your lover.

Sex Questions You Need to Discuss

1. What was your first kiss like?
2. What was your first sex like?
3. What have you done in bed that you will never do again? (When it comes to important questions to ask about sex with your partner, this one is very crucial, you should never experiment with things that they dislike.)
4. What is the most awkward sexual experience you've ever had?
5. What is the most unforgettable sexual experience you've ever had?
6. What would you like to do in bed that you have never done before?
7. What do you dream about?
8. What is the weirdest sex dream you've ever had?
9. What is your favorite sex position?
10. What is your favorite place to have sex in?
11. What zones of your body would you call “erogenous”? (This is one of the most important sex questions to ask a girl)
12. What are your favorite fantasies during which you regularly masturbate?
13. What does make you nervous during sex?
14. What is the funniest thing that you’ve heard when someone told you about their dirty fantasies?
15. Do you prefer pretty or smart people?
16. What does make you quickly excited?
17. What kind of underwear do you prefer?
18. What kind of character traits get you aroused?
19. What are your favorite parts of my body?
20. Do you prefer tits or asses/do you like hairy or shaved men? (Some important sex questions to ask your girlfriend/boyfriend may depend on their gender)
21. Do you prefer to dominate or to be submitted?
22. Do you prefer long or fast sex?
23. Do you like to use sex toys in bed?
24. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
25. Do you enjoy pain?